only four months
I was so happy. I had convinced msyelf that everything was perfect. I had decided I was cured.
Then I made a snap second stupid drunk decision.
Now it feels like square one. I can't stop thinking the words.
failure. suck. weakness.
I keep telling myself it was a slip, that I'm still fighting. I made it so long and I'm so much stronger now, just pick myself up and move forward.
But then ... "It's only been four months."
It hurts most to hear that from the boy that's been my biggest support, my favorite everything.
There's nothing I can do about the stupid stupid fucking stupid decisions I've made in my life, the things that I can never forgive myself for or forget, but I thought I was finally making progress. Now I feel like it wasn't good enough, hasn't been long enough to prove anything.
I hate the person I used to be. Hate hate hate hate hate hate her.
I'm not her, I've come a long way, and I don't care long it's been in real time, in the space of my mind, it feels like more. I felt clean and happy and strong and all of those amazing good things.
Now I just feel sad and angry and mostly just sick.
I believe him when he calls me beautiful, but I believe him just as much when he says 'Not good enough', and that's how I feel right now.